CoffeeTime: "Stuck in a pit"

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Have you ever tried to help someone who doesn’t actually want help? Oh, they tell you they do. They call and beg for you to give them answers to their problems. But when you stop your busy life, put your thinking cap on, get creative and give them answers, suddenly you run into excuses, reasons and downright refusals. All couched in terms like, “Oh, good grief, no!” Or, “No, I can’t do that because…” Or likely the tried and true, “You don’t understand, that won’t work because of_________” (insert whatever.)

And as long as you play kamikaze and keep putting yourself out there on this suicide mission, you are going to hear this theme of self-centered negativity played out in your ears for as long as you are willing to listen. It doesn’t matter if you approach their problem from any direction - emotional, physical, or psychological. And it also doesn’t matter if your answers make excellent sense. That beloved stuck relative or friend will let you know that your solutions will not help.

They won’t have to think for a while about what you have suggested. Their “No way” will be immediate, and followed by a litany of reasons and excuses that make perfect sense to them. And before long, you can find yourself frustrated and longing to find a cement floor to pound into powder and then eat that powder.

Learn this before you find yourself drowning in a pool of their “But, but, buts.” THEY DO NOT TRULY WANT YOUR GOOD SOLUTIONS. They are drowning in another pool. A deep dark pool of rebellion and anger against whomever and whatever has put them in their situation. And nothing that you suggest - and I mean nothing - is going to satisfy them or be a good answer for their dilemma. The only thing they will warmly accept is for their life to rewind and become what they are wanting. To recover what they have lost.

You are wasting your breath if you try to convince them there truly are answers for those problems which prompted them to call you and beg for your help. Help that down deep inside, they do not want. They only want life to return to what they had. Before they lost.

Giving real answers to help them? Very likely, most of us are not trained counselors or a licensed psychologist, so I sincerely doubt you can. You can love them, be extremely patient and understanding with them, pray for them, and walk with them through their valley. But don’t be surprised if that valley is long and dark, while they finally learn to accept what has happened in their life. Patiently wait for them until they take a deep breath, lift their head, accept their new situation and walk on.

Then and only then will your suggestions, your pleading, and your answers begin to make sense to the one who is stuck in that pit of negativity.